The more I thought about the quote by C.S. Lewis (see quote below), the more I couldn't stop thinking about it. In my car, I thought about it. Behind my desk at work, I thought about it. In Walgreens, I thought about it. At lunch with Becky, I thought about it. 5 o'clock rolled around, and I thought about it again. Suddenly, it dawned on me--fear pervades much of my life. In fact, every facet of my life has some root in fear.
So what, we're all scared, right? I alleviate my troubles by telling myself," It's alright, Liz. This is just that 'after college, you don't know what you want to do with your life, but you have a secure job, with a secure paycheck so don't make any irrational decisions' transition time." I do this. Typically, I feel better, but only for a short while. Other people may drown their fear in distractions--and sometimes these distractions manifest themselves in the form of addiction, significant others, and even stagnant complacency. I'm one of those "other people" sometimes too. Fascinating how God uses gracious mercy to reveal the most merciless qualities in us, isn't it? You see, I'm always distracting myself. I think society is always distracting itself.
The more I thought about distraction, the more I thought about unfulfilling distractions, which ultimately lead me to thinking about the unfulfilling distractions that make our fear seem obsolete (key word: seem)--distractions that deter us from feeling the fear we are consumed by deep within our hearts, souls, what have you. Again, however, we can only be distracted for a while-until we start feeling "that same way" again. Sadly enough, the process is cyclical. It's an "up, down, up, up, up, down, down, middle ground..." situation that we find ourselves desperately trying to stay afloat in.
In my life, I have many distractions. I realize that I allow these distractions to interject in my life because they prevent me from being scared. They prevent me from being afraid of the unknown, doubt, questions, loneliness, and inadequacy.
Of course, my faith is the underlying context here. More than not, I find myself doing exactly what C.S. Lewis describes in the below quote. I don't find myself doubting God's sovereignty, but being fearful of what God's sovereignty looks like. In the midst of a period of questioning, this can be a shockingly beautiful, coming of age realization. During a time of questions, it is natural to analyze God's sovereignty, discern God's sovereignty, and define God's sovereignty. Ultimately, we realize that this is not our true fear. This discovery is a profound and fulfilling one.
Today, within the midst of simple moments, I was reaffirmed and allowed the opportunity to see God's sovereignty in a new, organic way. God's sovereignty never changes--our perspective does. After all, he is in fact the ONLY Truth that was, is, and will be. Praise be to God that our feelings don't define, regulate, or confirm truth. Subsequently, I believe He reveals himself and His glory in brilliant, even subtle ways.
In my own fear, in my own fear of God's best not being "my" best--I understood--maybe even just a glimmer of God's sovereignty. It's a very scary thought. God's sovereignty should be scary though--and it's alright. In fact, it's brilliant. To be wise, IS to fear God. "And to man He said, Behold, the fear of the Lord, that is wisdom!" (Job 28:28) With that fear comes wisdom and through wisdom we learn to trust. We. Learn. To. Trust. I needed to reiterate that to myself.
Indeed, worldly fear is inherent and worldly fear is prevalent in each of our lives. Consequently, worldly fear debilitates each of us and deludes us each into thinking we are inadequate and enslaved to the "mess" of today. Godly fear is inherent as well, but Godly fear is essential--essential to peace and undestanding. It seems paradoxical, but like the tension that inherent, worldly fear and inherent, Godly fear creates, there is victory. Victory through submission. This is beautiful.
No comments:
Post a Comment